I recently was told to double my pain medication. When I did it took about a week to adjust for the most part, it's been upwards for three weeks now and they still turn me into a jittery stoner at times.
I ended up snapping at a few people over the course of the last few weeks at my job. For the most part everyone realized I was having a hard time and accepted my apology. Except for one person, because it was their birthday. I was so incredibly out of it I barely remember the whole day and at the time I'm sure I didn't realize it was the person's birthday. Mainly because the person makes me want to scream. I apologized and told them I was sorry although I had to bite my tongue and not make excuses. They accepted for the most part and told me not to worry about it.
Another person berated me over making fun of this person. They had screwed up like seven orders in a row and me and another guy from work were teasing him about maybe throwing him out the window..... yes I realize that's mean. Like I said I was really out of it so I'm not exactly sure of my reasoning. I just can't function without the medication and it's not like I can call out of work for a month every time I have a medication change. As it was I was filling in for someone who was sick. I get weird on the medications and I hate huritn gpeople but my verbal filter just isn't there when I take my meds. It's gone. If I could work without them I would. With them I can work and contribute to society, I'd like to continue that way. I'm trying to tame my tongue. The only thing I"m taming is how much i take my meds though. I feel so guilty for taking them, I know i'm going to probably say something mean or insensitive when I'm on them and yet it's so damn hard to get through the day at home without them never mind work a full shift without them.
I just don't get why are people so hard on those who are on medications? I was told that I can't use it as an excuse. Okay then, next time my hip acts up and I can't walk I won't use my cane as an excuse not to mow the yard, or walk up five flights of stairs at school, or walk three blocks to a friend's house to babysit their kids. Don't be ignorant. These people aren't stupid, or mean or cruel they just do not understand. And I've tried to explain it but they don't want to hear my side.
I don't often use being sick as an excuse for rude behavior. However I am still rude quite a bit of the time, I even admitted that without the meds I'd still have been cranky with the guy, just not as much. And yet still resentment. Why? I don't get this???? I'm not okay! It's like blaming someone with manic depression for not acting normal when they aren't on medication. Or someone with cancer for not eating everythign on their plate when they are a guest at someone's house because they are too nauseous. Sometimes I really wish everyone could live one day in pain.
The person who took me to task did so as nicely as possible, I'm not angry with them, I'm glad that they are sticking up for the guy. Someone has to. The person even said that they gave me credit for coming to work and dealing with all the shit their when I didn't feel well. But I don't think many people really understand how NOT well I am.
I don't look haggard because I'm ugly. I look haggard because I have chronic fatigue. I'm always tired. Doesn't matter how much I sleep. I am ALWAYS in pain. People don't get that. It's ALL the time. Not wow something kinda hurts. it's ALLLLLLLLLL the time. I am in moderate pain 90% of the time. MODERATE. Someone said the other day that being mildly in pain all the time must get tiring. Really? Cause I'm an inch or so from crying some days. Some times I cry when I go to sleep or when I get up because it hurts so badly. I don't want to go to work in the morning. I just want to lay here and cry some, and then wait till they find a cure. I'm trying to trust God to help me get through it. He's doing well. It's just hard... a lot of the time. Maybe it's what's keeping me so close to him. If so then I'm glad. I need to sleep.....
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