Whenever I get upset or frustrated I tend to try and work it off physically or else eat it away using chocolate and donuts. Today I used a combination of the two. Probably the worst thing for my health that I could do and yet I did it knowing very well that a muscle relaxer and extra pain pill I'll need tomorrow are going to make me one VERY messed up young lady.
When I woke up this morning I literally started to tear up over how much pain it caused me just to move to shut the alarm off next to my bed. The kind of pain where you moan out load no matter how used to the pain you are? I DID sleep in which was good but then the day just got worse and worse. I had a guy I was interested in basically "dump" me for God.... you laugh but apparently it's possible. Being jealous of God... now there's a new one. I think It actually hurts more than if it'd been another girl or him turning gay. Story of my life I guess though. I swear it has to be me. No way was that just God killing the relationship. Five bucks says I said something or did something to bug the guy.
So because I was disappointed and also trying to figure out how to get back to being just friends when I like him, I decided walking back bay in the crummy weather was a good idea. I got a mile into it when my leg gave out and my back wrenched. So i walked the miserable mile back to my car and drove to hannaford for some healthy food (trying to offset my stupidity) I go to eat the berries I bought and see that there's mold on some of the ones in the middle of the container. Appetite immediately gone and I'm disgusted. A friend of mine mentions meeting up at work early to eat supper together. I went over to my friend's BK and got some junk food figuring oh well at this point I need some comfort food. I get to work and realize that they forgot half my meal/ screwed up half my meal. At this point my day was utter shit.
I was scheduled to be on the floor for floor guard duty ( I work at a Roller Skating Rink) So I threw my skates on and skated really hard all night trying to burn off some emotions. Probably wouldn't have as much if the guy wasn't texting me telling me what a great find I was.... yeah really great find... so great that now you're consoling me with "all my female friends have found husbands by hanging around me" .... thank you... you're now saying you'll hitch me up with someone. Damn. And through all of this the pain levels were rising and rising. THEN I went to go pick up a ticket off the floor and slipped backwards because of my back and leg issue. Totally wrenched my arm attempting to stop my fall.
My day has been shit. Utter shit. Not that mediocre crap, SHIT.... And I have to be honest 90% of the problems I had were based on my own decisions. Actually all of them. Because I should know better than to work too hard, eat junk food, buy fruit at a supermarket that ALWAYS gives me issues, or trust someone. All stupid ideas and all things I continue to do. So now I am off to la la land and desperately praying to God hoping he has pity on me and gives me an okay pain day tomorrow. After all i think today was punishment enough for whatever I must of done wrong.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Acceptance?
"I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong"
Have you ever felt like the pain was your life? I was speaking to a friend at my church group tonight about how this has encompassed my life. I try to ignore it and pretend it's not there but then I get sick. I stopped talking meds and don't watch what I eat or what I do for exercise and then I crash. I'm basically just making myself sicker. And I hate it. I hate not wanting to date because eventually I'll have to tell them I'm sick. And they react one of two ways. Either "OMG..... really? um... welll...." awkward! OR they act like your mother and nurse and smother you thinking you're fragile and breakable.
I just want to be better. I just want to get over it. It's like I'm haunted. I just can't get out of this cage and it's suffocating me. Every time I get prayer I feel nothing. I've had one minor healing and that's it. It's like God is saying no. It hurts. It hurts that he's letting me hurt. I don't know how many of you reading my blog are christians but if you are doesn't it hurt? I get so angry at God. Why'd you give me this illness? this depression? These personality traits from being abused as a child and as a girlfriend WHY???? ANd there's no answer. May never be. And I'm just trying to find the peace to accept that.
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong"
Have you ever felt like the pain was your life? I was speaking to a friend at my church group tonight about how this has encompassed my life. I try to ignore it and pretend it's not there but then I get sick. I stopped talking meds and don't watch what I eat or what I do for exercise and then I crash. I'm basically just making myself sicker. And I hate it. I hate not wanting to date because eventually I'll have to tell them I'm sick. And they react one of two ways. Either "OMG..... really? um... welll...." awkward! OR they act like your mother and nurse and smother you thinking you're fragile and breakable.
I just want to be better. I just want to get over it. It's like I'm haunted. I just can't get out of this cage and it's suffocating me. Every time I get prayer I feel nothing. I've had one minor healing and that's it. It's like God is saying no. It hurts. It hurts that he's letting me hurt. I don't know how many of you reading my blog are christians but if you are doesn't it hurt? I get so angry at God. Why'd you give me this illness? this depression? These personality traits from being abused as a child and as a girlfriend WHY???? ANd there's no answer. May never be. And I'm just trying to find the peace to accept that.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
SIlent Killer
For many people who have fibromyalgia depression holds a key spot in their everyday life. In my life I've suffered from depression since I was about twelve years old. When the doctors say that it kills? It does. Every day becomes a struggle under the cloud of depression. I specifically suffer from chronic depression and have since before fibromyalgia make it's first appearance in my life. However, when the pain and sleeping issues started up I became worse and worse until finally I did everything possible to distract myself from my thoughts. On a given day I can be super happy and doing well and then for no apparent reason I'll become so incredibly depressed that I'll actually consider suicide. Does it make sense? No. Would I or Will I kill myself? No. But that doesn't change the feelings.
One thing That I've noticed is that every time I have an episode it lasts about twelve hours unless there is a specific trigger. Recently I was in a semi relationship with my best friend. He loves me as much as he has ever loved anyone. I love him and almost feel married at heart to him. But through my relationship with him I finally realized what the quote "Sometimes love is not enough" actually means. I have had two major relationships where I felt "married" to the person. Neither one worked out. The high that comes from being in a loving relationship is almost addictive. You want more and more and more until finally.... when the relationship ends you crash and burn much like a Junkie who has been too long without a fix. This is a metaphor for manic depression. Excessive highs and then extreme lows.
I get these all the time. Last few days have been amazing. I was so incredibly happy that people were like "have you met someone?" "are you still sick you look so happy?" "wow girl you are glowing!" And then late last night into today all I've heard is "Are you okay?" "You look really down do you need to talk?" Because it is THAT visible. And the kicker is that people can see the depression but not the chronic pain. And the pain is usually what triggers the episodes. Somestimes it comes from a rough family get together where things go downhill or a potential relationship that has come screeching to a halt. But either way the pain magnifies the depression I already have to an extreme. When you can't get out of bed. When you aren't hungry. I've barely had anything to eat the last few days. I'm not hungry. Now I'm not in danger of starving or anything. I'm doing fine health wise. Hell it's probably helping me detox from sugar and stuff ironically enough. Odd that... that depression would help my fibromyalgia while the stress from the depression hurts the fibromyalgia. :P
The one thing I want you all the understand: Depression will not just go away. If you are in chronic pain you will have this demon stalking you constantly. Be vigilant. If you find yourself slipping into depression episodes take action! Tonight I ate a ton of chocolate and spent time with some church friends. I feel 100x better now. Even just telling a friend that I was having issues helped. Hell I haven't even told my counselor that I"m depressed. She knows somehow though, I read her notes when she left them visible one day. Reading upside down is a life saver. ANYWAY. Take action. I doubt I know anyone who may read this, but if you need to talk send me a message or comment annoymously. I pray every day for people with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression, etc and I"d love to pray for you or help you walk through this. Like I said I've lived with this monster, this demon for eight years now. It may win a few skirmishes but I'm winning the war, thank god! Be safe. Be content. and most of all Know you are loved.
One thing That I've noticed is that every time I have an episode it lasts about twelve hours unless there is a specific trigger. Recently I was in a semi relationship with my best friend. He loves me as much as he has ever loved anyone. I love him and almost feel married at heart to him. But through my relationship with him I finally realized what the quote "Sometimes love is not enough" actually means. I have had two major relationships where I felt "married" to the person. Neither one worked out. The high that comes from being in a loving relationship is almost addictive. You want more and more and more until finally.... when the relationship ends you crash and burn much like a Junkie who has been too long without a fix. This is a metaphor for manic depression. Excessive highs and then extreme lows.
I get these all the time. Last few days have been amazing. I was so incredibly happy that people were like "have you met someone?" "are you still sick you look so happy?" "wow girl you are glowing!" And then late last night into today all I've heard is "Are you okay?" "You look really down do you need to talk?" Because it is THAT visible. And the kicker is that people can see the depression but not the chronic pain. And the pain is usually what triggers the episodes. Somestimes it comes from a rough family get together where things go downhill or a potential relationship that has come screeching to a halt. But either way the pain magnifies the depression I already have to an extreme. When you can't get out of bed. When you aren't hungry. I've barely had anything to eat the last few days. I'm not hungry. Now I'm not in danger of starving or anything. I'm doing fine health wise. Hell it's probably helping me detox from sugar and stuff ironically enough. Odd that... that depression would help my fibromyalgia while the stress from the depression hurts the fibromyalgia. :P
The one thing I want you all the understand: Depression will not just go away. If you are in chronic pain you will have this demon stalking you constantly. Be vigilant. If you find yourself slipping into depression episodes take action! Tonight I ate a ton of chocolate and spent time with some church friends. I feel 100x better now. Even just telling a friend that I was having issues helped. Hell I haven't even told my counselor that I"m depressed. She knows somehow though, I read her notes when she left them visible one day. Reading upside down is a life saver. ANYWAY. Take action. I doubt I know anyone who may read this, but if you need to talk send me a message or comment annoymously. I pray every day for people with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression, etc and I"d love to pray for you or help you walk through this. Like I said I've lived with this monster, this demon for eight years now. It may win a few skirmishes but I'm winning the war, thank god! Be safe. Be content. and most of all Know you are loved.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Jumpy and Embarrassed
I know that I mainly post just fibromyalgia stuff on here but I think that most of the people researching this probably have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as well. I always think that I'm doing so much better with everything and then it hits me like a rock. My counselor says it's because there were multiple traumatic events, some of which were repeated at different times in different ways, creating multiple triggers and reactions.
For example I heard the Reliant K song "The Best Thing" today which I used to love. It was the song Russ said reminded him of me. Now apparently all it does is make me panicky and drop things. Heard the song as I was working on some stuff, dropped some stuff all over my floor when I recognized the song. It all comes flashing back you know? Even though that song wasn't playing at the bad moments it still reminds me. I had a girl who I go to church with go out to eat with me today. She apparently realized we used to be in a relationship when his little sister Gloria messaged me on my wall calling me "Sis". I let her go on talking about him and the family for about five minutes while all the time I was having a growing difficulty breathing steadily and I felt about ready to jump out of my skin. Finally, another girl who was with us stopped her saying "We don't talk about him around Serena, he tried to rape her and was physically abusive". She immediately stopped talking and apologized but I could tell from the look she gave me that she had doubts and questions. Whatever. One thing I've learned is that trying to reason with others about things that hurt that much never works out.
Another example: tickling. This has multiple triggers because it wasn't just one event or one person who caused the trauma. Literally can lead to me bawling my eyes out. My dad tried tickling me a few months ago, I was sitting on the floor and he came down on top of me trying to "joke around". I couldn't even tell him to stop. I couldn't seem to breathe or speak. I froze. Curled up into a ball and just didn't move. When he backed off my body went into flee mode and I scrambled over to the corner and literally just rocked back and forth crying. Dad felt terrible about it and still to this day apologizes for it about once a week but all it does is make me embarrassed. Have any of you ever had one of those "I can't believe my body is betraying me like this" moments? I keep trying to explain to him that it was because someone was coming from above, blocked out the light, and was physically overpowering me PLUS the tickling that did it. But he still swears that there's something I'm not telling him. And there is. He has no idea that it went beyond Russ. But he never needs to know.
Some people have issues with loud sudden noises, they can be problematic if any of my other triggers have already set me off. I'm very jumpy, sudden noises or movements cause me to flinch. Waking up with someone else in my bed and/or touching me can do it too. I had my cousin Allie over a while back, I was watching her and had set her up on the couch. She crawled into my bed at some point during the night and had layed on my stomach to sleep (probably reminiscent of her sleeping on my mom's stomach as a baby). When I woke up I just froze not knowing what was going on. I quickly figured it out but for those few seconds I freaked out. Never did get back to sleep that night.
PTSD can be caused from an accident, abusive situation, and many many other things but from all that I've seen it's definitely prominent in FIBRO symptoms. Stress can induce Fibro, so when someone has PTSD often times they are under stress or have been under stress. The effects of this weaken the body, tighten the muscles to the point of pain and exhaustion, and cause a multitude of other problems. If you have PTSD I really encourage you to seek help for it. Eventually I know that I'll get over my triggers. After all I've come a long way. Even having a guy touch me used to set me off but now I can sit next to them, give them hugs, and without much of an issue. It's taken a lot of effort but it has helped dramatically in my symptoms. Really, if you haven't checked it out you need to. Do it for yourself.
For example I heard the Reliant K song "The Best Thing" today which I used to love. It was the song Russ said reminded him of me. Now apparently all it does is make me panicky and drop things. Heard the song as I was working on some stuff, dropped some stuff all over my floor when I recognized the song. It all comes flashing back you know? Even though that song wasn't playing at the bad moments it still reminds me. I had a girl who I go to church with go out to eat with me today. She apparently realized we used to be in a relationship when his little sister Gloria messaged me on my wall calling me "Sis". I let her go on talking about him and the family for about five minutes while all the time I was having a growing difficulty breathing steadily and I felt about ready to jump out of my skin. Finally, another girl who was with us stopped her saying "We don't talk about him around Serena, he tried to rape her and was physically abusive". She immediately stopped talking and apologized but I could tell from the look she gave me that she had doubts and questions. Whatever. One thing I've learned is that trying to reason with others about things that hurt that much never works out.
Another example: tickling. This has multiple triggers because it wasn't just one event or one person who caused the trauma. Literally can lead to me bawling my eyes out. My dad tried tickling me a few months ago, I was sitting on the floor and he came down on top of me trying to "joke around". I couldn't even tell him to stop. I couldn't seem to breathe or speak. I froze. Curled up into a ball and just didn't move. When he backed off my body went into flee mode and I scrambled over to the corner and literally just rocked back and forth crying. Dad felt terrible about it and still to this day apologizes for it about once a week but all it does is make me embarrassed. Have any of you ever had one of those "I can't believe my body is betraying me like this" moments? I keep trying to explain to him that it was because someone was coming from above, blocked out the light, and was physically overpowering me PLUS the tickling that did it. But he still swears that there's something I'm not telling him. And there is. He has no idea that it went beyond Russ. But he never needs to know.
Some people have issues with loud sudden noises, they can be problematic if any of my other triggers have already set me off. I'm very jumpy, sudden noises or movements cause me to flinch. Waking up with someone else in my bed and/or touching me can do it too. I had my cousin Allie over a while back, I was watching her and had set her up on the couch. She crawled into my bed at some point during the night and had layed on my stomach to sleep (probably reminiscent of her sleeping on my mom's stomach as a baby). When I woke up I just froze not knowing what was going on. I quickly figured it out but for those few seconds I freaked out. Never did get back to sleep that night.
PTSD can be caused from an accident, abusive situation, and many many other things but from all that I've seen it's definitely prominent in FIBRO symptoms. Stress can induce Fibro, so when someone has PTSD often times they are under stress or have been under stress. The effects of this weaken the body, tighten the muscles to the point of pain and exhaustion, and cause a multitude of other problems. If you have PTSD I really encourage you to seek help for it. Eventually I know that I'll get over my triggers. After all I've come a long way. Even having a guy touch me used to set me off but now I can sit next to them, give them hugs, and without much of an issue. It's taken a lot of effort but it has helped dramatically in my symptoms. Really, if you haven't checked it out you need to. Do it for yourself.
New findings
http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/news/20110513/fibromyalgia-pain-takes-toll-on-everyday-life?src=RSS_PUBLIC. Really important findings by polling fibromites. Everyone should take a look. Kinda hurts my last post but oh well :p
Insensitivity Innoculation
I may very well hurt the next person who comments on how being chronically ill is going to affect my relationships. I know I've ranted about this before but people continue to amaze me at how insensitive they can be. I understand that people who are well don't see another person who is well willing to deal with me being sick. I get that.... really...and I also get why people commit assault... very well actually.
I've had my grandmother mention it in passing which only slightly aggravated me. And of course I've had the numerous coworkers who go "Oh... you can't do this.. or that... how the hell do you expect to get married" .... well gee merry martha can't we go on roller coaster of negativity again? It was a lot of fun!
Probably the worst one I've had was fairly recent. My father. The man who is basically me with male genitalia and as many ex-wives as some people have cars in their driveway. He actually thought he was okay to go and lecture me on marriage. Good try .... I believe his direct line of thinking was like "You know I love you right Serena? I really do. But I honestly can't picture anyone willing to put up with you for the rest of your life".... email format.... no joke. Hey dad? You're as jackass.... but you know I love you right? idiot.... He knows so much of me and how I tick and yet didn't see this as being hurtful. I can't even imagine him being ignorant he was just pretending he didn't know it would cut like a knife (insert old skating song....)
For any of you who are reading this in order to learn from a fibromite about all you can do to help your loved one with a chronic illness...... NEVER NEVER NEVER SAY THIS! Ever! In ANY form! It is not helpful and with probably result in your loved one throwing something scalding or very heavy at your face. Because if you are friends with this person they will then question how hard it is for you for to be their friend... and you'll come up short in comparison deary, never fear. If you are family to this person you are forever going to be blacklisted in personal chats (well... this might actually be helpful to some of you) and they will never speak to you again about things that bother them. And if you are anyone else who was just trying to show that you really understand how badly their life is going to suck, you are indeed a moron and an insensitive cad.
On a brighter note, I've spoken with my grandmother about me probably never marrying and she says if I have kids on my own through a sperm bank or adoption she won't write me out of her will or refuse to speak to me again, she'll just pray for my soul and the soul of any children I have.... definitely more positive than I was thinking.....
And if you are reading this as someone who has a chronic illness please listen very carefully. Anyone who ever says this to you "Oh wow you'll probably never find a husband, have kids etc etc etc" is a complete idiot and knows nothing about your illness. At first I thought this was true but it really isn't at all. I've come to know many people who have fibromyalgia, arthritis, lupus, etc who had a family and then got sick and retained that family or else had the illness and then attained a family. It's definitely hard work and not for the faint of heart but it CAN happen. Just keep searching and if you happen to find a spare guy throw him my way will ya? I could use all the help in that department that I can find. Last date I had constantly asked me if I had my cane just in case, when we'd go out, or ask me if i'd taken my meds like I was supposed to. I almost and I do same ALMOST remembered the guy who said I had too much "baggage" fondly.... it was sad. Guy was nice (not the baggage guy) but there can almost me too much awareness and acceptance of an illness. Good luck fibromites!!!
I've had my grandmother mention it in passing which only slightly aggravated me. And of course I've had the numerous coworkers who go "Oh... you can't do this.. or that... how the hell do you expect to get married" .... well gee merry martha can't we go on roller coaster of negativity again? It was a lot of fun!
Probably the worst one I've had was fairly recent. My father. The man who is basically me with male genitalia and as many ex-wives as some people have cars in their driveway. He actually thought he was okay to go and lecture me on marriage. Good try .... I believe his direct line of thinking was like "You know I love you right Serena? I really do. But I honestly can't picture anyone willing to put up with you for the rest of your life".... email format.... no joke. Hey dad? You're as jackass.... but you know I love you right? idiot.... He knows so much of me and how I tick and yet didn't see this as being hurtful. I can't even imagine him being ignorant he was just pretending he didn't know it would cut like a knife (insert old skating song....)
For any of you who are reading this in order to learn from a fibromite about all you can do to help your loved one with a chronic illness...... NEVER NEVER NEVER SAY THIS! Ever! In ANY form! It is not helpful and with probably result in your loved one throwing something scalding or very heavy at your face. Because if you are friends with this person they will then question how hard it is for you for to be their friend... and you'll come up short in comparison deary, never fear. If you are family to this person you are forever going to be blacklisted in personal chats (well... this might actually be helpful to some of you) and they will never speak to you again about things that bother them. And if you are anyone else who was just trying to show that you really understand how badly their life is going to suck, you are indeed a moron and an insensitive cad.
On a brighter note, I've spoken with my grandmother about me probably never marrying and she says if I have kids on my own through a sperm bank or adoption she won't write me out of her will or refuse to speak to me again, she'll just pray for my soul and the soul of any children I have.... definitely more positive than I was thinking.....
And if you are reading this as someone who has a chronic illness please listen very carefully. Anyone who ever says this to you "Oh wow you'll probably never find a husband, have kids etc etc etc" is a complete idiot and knows nothing about your illness. At first I thought this was true but it really isn't at all. I've come to know many people who have fibromyalgia, arthritis, lupus, etc who had a family and then got sick and retained that family or else had the illness and then attained a family. It's definitely hard work and not for the faint of heart but it CAN happen. Just keep searching and if you happen to find a spare guy throw him my way will ya? I could use all the help in that department that I can find. Last date I had constantly asked me if I had my cane just in case, when we'd go out, or ask me if i'd taken my meds like I was supposed to. I almost and I do same ALMOST remembered the guy who said I had too much "baggage" fondly.... it was sad. Guy was nice (not the baggage guy) but there can almost me too much awareness and acceptance of an illness. Good luck fibromites!!!
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