I'm laying here in agony
and I'm praying God for you to see.
I know you're there
and yet I can't help feel it's unfair.
Why do I have to go through this tonight?
I'm so sick of being in pain without gain
Without anything changing for the better.
I want to be excited for rain not worried about pain.
I don't want to have worries about coming weather.
Will I always get worse?
I hate this invisible curse
Like you're crushing me as I lay in your hand.
I'm trying Lord, but I'm still crying Lord
and the pain has a burn like a brand.
When it makes me deformed
and there's no beauty in me.
When the pain's firmly etched in my face,
Will I still cling to your arm?
Will you protect me from this harm?
This love can't ever be replaced easily.
Cause I'd crumble with ease
Trying so hard to please.
Oh don't leave me alone on this night.
As the moon hides away
Whisper joy and peace for new days
And help me continue to write
Monday, July 18, 2011
Fly Away
The sun is shining and the skies are clear,
but inside I'm fighting. Battling fear.
Cause I know that it's there. Right under my skin.
Ready to pop up and I never knew when.
Like a ghost in the night it's stolen my dreams.
It feeds on the anguish, devouring my screams.
Nobody sees it. No one can tell.
I may look like I'm healthy, It's my own secret hell.
How incredibly ironic, such a sting of irony.
I'm terrified of pain. But the pain's a part of me.
It's always there riding up on my shoulder.
Keeping the sun off my face, making me colder.
A phantom that plagues me that I can't comprehend.
I can't see a future where I'm fast on the mend.
I'm begging for healing. Praying for aid.
Asking for Help, hoping I won't continue to fade.
I'm laughing and smiling like the world's quite alright.
But I'm terrified of the shadows, the whispers at night.
When I look in the mirror there's no me to see.
Just a facade, a cheap imitation that's liked much more than me
Everyone loves her. Thinks that she's grand.
While I'm behind the mask screaming, I don't understand!
Why is this happening? I want my life back!
Why suffer for a lifetime? Why not a quick heart attack?
I'm whining Lord and I hope that i'm not a regret.
I'm trying so hard to be patient, to try not to fret.
So please hold me gently. Soothe this troubled mind.
If you could make me unconscious it'd be ever so kind.
Just let me drift awhile. Let me find some relief.
Help me hold onto my sanity, strengthen my belief.
That way when everything fails and everyone's gone.
I'll have you to cling to. You to help me hold on.
As the medicine dulls me and I start to drift away.
I thank you for this journey and another new day.
You're my bastion of strength and you sing me to sleep.
Watch over me Lord. Bring me back from the deep.
but inside I'm fighting. Battling fear.
Cause I know that it's there. Right under my skin.
Ready to pop up and I never knew when.
Like a ghost in the night it's stolen my dreams.
It feeds on the anguish, devouring my screams.
Nobody sees it. No one can tell.
I may look like I'm healthy, It's my own secret hell.
How incredibly ironic, such a sting of irony.
I'm terrified of pain. But the pain's a part of me.
It's always there riding up on my shoulder.
Keeping the sun off my face, making me colder.
A phantom that plagues me that I can't comprehend.
I can't see a future where I'm fast on the mend.
I'm begging for healing. Praying for aid.
Asking for Help, hoping I won't continue to fade.
I'm laughing and smiling like the world's quite alright.
But I'm terrified of the shadows, the whispers at night.
When I look in the mirror there's no me to see.
Just a facade, a cheap imitation that's liked much more than me
Everyone loves her. Thinks that she's grand.
While I'm behind the mask screaming, I don't understand!
Why is this happening? I want my life back!
Why suffer for a lifetime? Why not a quick heart attack?
I'm whining Lord and I hope that i'm not a regret.
I'm trying so hard to be patient, to try not to fret.
So please hold me gently. Soothe this troubled mind.
If you could make me unconscious it'd be ever so kind.
Just let me drift awhile. Let me find some relief.
Help me hold onto my sanity, strengthen my belief.
That way when everything fails and everyone's gone.
I'll have you to cling to. You to help me hold on.
As the medicine dulls me and I start to drift away.
I thank you for this journey and another new day.
You're my bastion of strength and you sing me to sleep.
Watch over me Lord. Bring me back from the deep.
Illusion of Completion
I don't want to be different.
Please don't turn away.
Cause maybe the pain is worth it,
maybe the warmth makes it okay.
I'm certainly aware of pain.
I know my body well.
Don't tell me to treat it better,
I'm not stupid I can always tell,
I can see when i'm flagging,
when my strength is fading fast.
Dreams and schemes are put to rest
cause the hope and endurance won't last.
If you need my help, need a hand,
don't turn to others, please understand,
I need to serve, Need to be needed
God won't let me be helpless.
won't let me lay down defeated.
I'm a soldier and I'll fight this fight.
I'll keep on walking
through the long long night.
Will you walk with me as equals?
Walk hand in hand?
I'm asking you darling,
Can you please understand?
Give me a hug, tell me what you need.
When you treat me like I'm still whole
you become a friend indeed.
Please don't turn away.
Cause maybe the pain is worth it,
maybe the warmth makes it okay.
I'm certainly aware of pain.
I know my body well.
Don't tell me to treat it better,
I'm not stupid I can always tell,
I can see when i'm flagging,
when my strength is fading fast.
Dreams and schemes are put to rest
cause the hope and endurance won't last.
If you need my help, need a hand,
don't turn to others, please understand,
I need to serve, Need to be needed
God won't let me be helpless.
won't let me lay down defeated.
I'm a soldier and I'll fight this fight.
I'll keep on walking
through the long long night.
Will you walk with me as equals?
Walk hand in hand?
I'm asking you darling,
Can you please understand?
Give me a hug, tell me what you need.
When you treat me like I'm still whole
you become a friend indeed.
Prisoner of Fate
The fire makes it hard to sleep,
dreams of screams and rivers deep.
Wake up to the milky darkness
cruel genetics, sometimes heartless,
Hiding the pain from family and friends
wishing that someday the horror would end
Knowing it won't, it will only get harder,
harder to cope, most wouldn't bother.
So I'll change my life and hope it works
cause the only alternative does nothing but hurt
dreams of screams and rivers deep.
Wake up to the milky darkness
cruel genetics, sometimes heartless,
Hiding the pain from family and friends
wishing that someday the horror would end
Knowing it won't, it will only get harder,
harder to cope, most wouldn't bother.
So I'll change my life and hope it works
cause the only alternative does nothing but hurt
Don't Dare Tell Me
You say I look fine. And I'm not mad.
There's nothing there to see.
Just pain etched into my face,
from which I'm never free.
I say I'm tired, you say sleep more,
but after nights of tossing and turning,
I don't feel rested, I feel sore.
I say that the pain is the worse I've ever felt.
You ask why I'm not screaming.
And why isn't there a a welt?
Well perhaps then I am dreaming.
X-rays, bloodwork, tests from A-Z
I wonder if this is my fault. I wonder is it just me?
But no there's more, there's people out there.
They toss and turn, and they feel the pain.
They know I speak the truth
cause really there's just nothing there to gain.
Why would I want to lose so much sleep?
Why would I want to cry?
Why would I want to just sit at home?
Why would I want to die?
Why would I want to never eat?
Why would I want to push people away?
Why would I want to take anything,
just to make the pain stop for one day?
So don’t tell me that there's nothing.
Because there's something wrong.
Stop accusing that i'm abusing,
as you have been oh so long.
I'm sick, I don't know why.
I don't want to hurt anymore
So either help and just shut up
or I'll be showing you my door.
There's nothing there to see.
Just pain etched into my face,
from which I'm never free.
I say I'm tired, you say sleep more,
but after nights of tossing and turning,
I don't feel rested, I feel sore.
I say that the pain is the worse I've ever felt.
You ask why I'm not screaming.
And why isn't there a a welt?
Well perhaps then I am dreaming.
X-rays, bloodwork, tests from A-Z
I wonder if this is my fault. I wonder is it just me?
But no there's more, there's people out there.
They toss and turn, and they feel the pain.
They know I speak the truth
cause really there's just nothing there to gain.
Why would I want to lose so much sleep?
Why would I want to cry?
Why would I want to just sit at home?
Why would I want to die?
Why would I want to never eat?
Why would I want to push people away?
Why would I want to take anything,
just to make the pain stop for one day?
So don’t tell me that there's nothing.
Because there's something wrong.
Stop accusing that i'm abusing,
as you have been oh so long.
I'm sick, I don't know why.
I don't want to hurt anymore
So either help and just shut up
or I'll be showing you my door.
Let's Pretend
Can't you see past the smile? I know it doesn't reach my eyes.
They reflect a little pain. And they're mirrors to the lies.
Oh yeah I'm great. Doing swell. Might run a marathon today.
And we'll bake a dozen cookies and then all sit around and play!
I can't live like that, never could. But I'll try for you.
And I know the truth hurts you. And so I'll lie for you.
It's a war and I'm not winning. The waters are rising
but I'm not swimming anymore.
Oh darling I'd pretend for years.
I'd swallow all the tears that drown my soul.
Will it help? Is there air to breathe there with you?
Cause I can't hold my breath for long.
And I fear it will be long gone quite soon.
You're an underwater tunnel. I can hear you calling out my name.
Can't you see it kills me babe, I'm too tired to play this game.
Oh I want it, want the classic fairytale
White knight, white fence, and a healing holy grail.
But it's not there. And I don't dare to drop the gate.
Could we let the walls fall down?
Would the flood raise me up or will i drown?
I think it's time to take a chance, at this second glance,
just look at what there is to gain. And if it brings just one real smile
it might be worth this pain for a little while.
Might be worth playing pretend,
Cause then maybe then there'll be a happy ending here for me.
They reflect a little pain. And they're mirrors to the lies.
Oh yeah I'm great. Doing swell. Might run a marathon today.
And we'll bake a dozen cookies and then all sit around and play!
I can't live like that, never could. But I'll try for you.
And I know the truth hurts you. And so I'll lie for you.
It's a war and I'm not winning. The waters are rising
but I'm not swimming anymore.
Oh darling I'd pretend for years.
I'd swallow all the tears that drown my soul.
Will it help? Is there air to breathe there with you?
Cause I can't hold my breath for long.
And I fear it will be long gone quite soon.
You're an underwater tunnel. I can hear you calling out my name.
Can't you see it kills me babe, I'm too tired to play this game.
Oh I want it, want the classic fairytale
White knight, white fence, and a healing holy grail.
But it's not there. And I don't dare to drop the gate.
Could we let the walls fall down?
Would the flood raise me up or will i drown?
I think it's time to take a chance, at this second glance,
just look at what there is to gain. And if it brings just one real smile
it might be worth this pain for a little while.
Might be worth playing pretend,
Cause then maybe then there'll be a happy ending here for me.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Persistent pain
You can never truly appreciate your health until it's gone. I had a good day today, and by good I mean that the pain only made me tear up a few times. I wonder if I'm being cursed, punished somehow for my sins, but I cannot seem to figure out what terrible thing i have done to deserve this.
You most likely think that I'm being melodramatic, I'm not. I wake up and it's a fight just to convince myself to get out of bed. Another fight to force myself to eat because lord knows the nausea from the pain and depression has killed my appetite. I go to work or school and I look worn out, haggard, and I can't even summon enough energy to be upset. I looked in the mirror today and saw a ghost. My face has thinned out so much and the shadows under my eyes make me appear fragile and sickly.... The fight to go to work and keep working it terrible. I pray constantly please lord let me last this next hour, this next minute, this next moment. It's terrible.
Over all tonight is just bad. I should call someone and talk to them because lord knows I should not be alone right now, I'm not suicidal or anything I'm just in uv a slump that I don't move, or talk or do anything. Typing right now id terribly painful but i keep at it because I need to share, to tell others that they aren't alone. With hope tomorrow will be better, with hope the pain will go below a dull roar and my heart wont feel so stressed and heavy. I do not know what i would do without god .... I hsve no idea.
You most likely think that I'm being melodramatic, I'm not. I wake up and it's a fight just to convince myself to get out of bed. Another fight to force myself to eat because lord knows the nausea from the pain and depression has killed my appetite. I go to work or school and I look worn out, haggard, and I can't even summon enough energy to be upset. I looked in the mirror today and saw a ghost. My face has thinned out so much and the shadows under my eyes make me appear fragile and sickly.... The fight to go to work and keep working it terrible. I pray constantly please lord let me last this next hour, this next minute, this next moment. It's terrible.
Over all tonight is just bad. I should call someone and talk to them because lord knows I should not be alone right now, I'm not suicidal or anything I'm just in uv a slump that I don't move, or talk or do anything. Typing right now id terribly painful but i keep at it because I need to share, to tell others that they aren't alone. With hope tomorrow will be better, with hope the pain will go below a dull roar and my heart wont feel so stressed and heavy. I do not know what i would do without god .... I hsve no idea.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)