SIlent Killer

For many people who have fibromyalgia depression holds a key spot in their everyday life. In my life I've suffered from depression since I was about twelve years old. When the doctors say that it kills? It does. Every day becomes a struggle under the cloud of depression. I specifically suffer from chronic depression and have since before fibromyalgia make it's first appearance in my life. However, when the pain and sleeping issues started up I became worse and worse until finally I did everything possible to distract myself from my thoughts. On a given day I can be super happy and doing well and then for no apparent reason I'll become so incredibly depressed that I'll actually consider suicide. Does it make sense? No. Would I or Will I kill myself? No. But that doesn't change the feelings.

One thing That I've noticed is that every time I have an episode it lasts about twelve hours unless there is a specific trigger.  Recently I was in a semi relationship with my best friend. He loves me as much as he has ever loved anyone. I love him and almost feel married at heart to him. But through my relationship with him I finally realized what the quote "Sometimes love is not enough" actually means. I have had two major relationships where I felt "married" to the person. Neither one worked out. The high that comes from being in a loving relationship is almost addictive. You want more and more and more until finally.... when the relationship ends you crash and burn much like a Junkie who has been too long without a fix. This is a metaphor for manic depression. Excessive highs and then extreme lows.

I get these all the time. Last few days have been amazing. I was so incredibly happy that people were like "have you met someone?" "are you still sick you look so happy?" "wow girl you are glowing!" And then late last night into today all I've heard is "Are you okay?" "You look really down do you need to talk?" Because it is THAT visible. And the kicker is that people can see the depression but not the chronic pain. And the pain is usually what triggers the episodes. Somestimes it comes from a rough family get together where things go downhill or a potential relationship that has come screeching to a halt. But either way the pain magnifies the depression I already have to an extreme. When you can't get out of bed. When you aren't hungry. I've barely had anything to eat the last few days. I'm not hungry. Now I'm not in danger of starving or anything. I'm doing fine health wise. Hell it's probably helping me detox from sugar and stuff ironically enough. Odd that... that depression would help my fibromyalgia while the stress from the depression hurts the fibromyalgia. :P

The one thing I want you all the understand: Depression will not just go away. If you are in chronic pain you will have this demon stalking you constantly. Be vigilant. If you find yourself slipping into depression episodes take action! Tonight I ate a ton of chocolate and spent time with some church friends. I feel 100x better now. Even just telling a friend that I was having issues helped. Hell I haven't even told my counselor that I"m depressed. She knows somehow though, I read her notes when she left them visible one day. Reading upside down is a life saver. ANYWAY. Take action. I doubt I know anyone who may read this, but if you need to talk send me a message or comment annoymously. I pray every day for people with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression, etc and I"d love to pray for you or help you walk through this. Like I said I've lived with this monster, this demon for eight years now. It may win a few skirmishes but I'm winning the war, thank god! Be safe. Be content. and most of all Know you are loved.

Jumpy and Embarrassed

I know that I mainly post just fibromyalgia stuff on here but I think that most of the people researching this probably have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as well. I always think that I'm doing so much better with everything and then it hits me like a rock. My counselor says it's because there were multiple traumatic events, some of which were repeated at different times in different ways, creating multiple triggers and reactions.

For example I heard the Reliant K song "The Best Thing" today which I used to love. It was the song Russ said reminded him of me. Now apparently all it does is make me panicky and drop things. Heard the song as I was working on some stuff, dropped some stuff all over my floor when I recognized the song. It all comes flashing back you know? Even though that song wasn't playing at the bad moments it still reminds me. I had a girl who I go to church with go out to eat with me today. She apparently realized we used to be in a relationship when his little sister Gloria messaged me on my wall calling me "Sis". I let her go on talking about him and the family for about five minutes while all the time I was having a growing difficulty breathing steadily and I felt about ready to jump out of my skin. Finally, another girl who was with us stopped her saying "We don't talk about him around Serena, he tried to rape her and was physically abusive". She immediately stopped talking and apologized but I could tell from the look she gave me that she had doubts and questions. Whatever. One thing I've learned is that trying to reason with others about things that hurt that much never works out.

Another example: tickling. This has multiple triggers because it wasn't just one event or one person who caused the trauma. Literally can lead to me bawling my eyes out. My dad tried tickling me a few months ago, I was sitting on the floor and he came down on top of me trying to "joke around". I couldn't even tell him to stop. I couldn't seem to breathe or speak. I froze. Curled up into a ball and just didn't move. When he backed off my body went into flee mode and I scrambled over to the corner and literally just rocked back and forth crying. Dad felt terrible about it and still to this day apologizes for it about once a week but all it does is make me embarrassed. Have any of you ever had one of those "I can't believe my body is betraying me like this" moments? I keep trying to explain to him that it was because someone was coming from above, blocked out the light, and was physically overpowering me PLUS the tickling that did it. But he still swears that there's something I'm not telling him. And there is. He has no idea that it went beyond Russ. But he never needs to know.

Some people have issues with loud sudden noises, they can be problematic if any of my other triggers have already set me off. I'm very jumpy, sudden noises or movements cause me to flinch. Waking up with someone else in my bed and/or touching me can do it too. I had my cousin Allie over a while back, I was watching her and had set her up on the couch. She crawled into my bed at some point during the night and had layed on my stomach to sleep (probably reminiscent of her sleeping on my mom's stomach as a baby). When I woke up I just froze not knowing what was going on. I quickly figured it out but for those few seconds I freaked out.  Never did get back to sleep that night.

PTSD can be caused from an accident, abusive situation, and many many other things but from all that I've seen it's definitely prominent in FIBRO symptoms. Stress can induce Fibro, so when someone has PTSD often times they are under stress or have been under stress. The effects of this weaken the body, tighten the muscles to the point of pain and exhaustion, and cause a multitude of other problems. If you have PTSD I really encourage you to seek help for it. Eventually I know that I'll get over my triggers. After all I've come a long way. Even having a guy touch me used to set me off but now I can sit next to them, give them hugs, and without much of an issue. It's taken a lot of effort but it has helped dramatically in my symptoms. Really, if you haven't checked it out you need to. Do it for yourself.

New findings

http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/news/20110513/fibromyalgia-pain-takes-toll-on-everyday-life?src=RSS_PUBLIC. Really important findings by polling fibromites. Everyone should take a look. Kinda hurts my last post but oh well :p

Insensitivity Innoculation

I may very well hurt the next person who comments on how being chronically ill is going to affect my relationships. I know I've ranted about this before but people continue to amaze me at how insensitive they can be. I understand that people who are well don't see another person who is well willing to deal with me being sick. I get that.... really...and I also get why people commit assault... very well actually.

I've had my grandmother mention it in passing which only slightly aggravated me. And of course I've had the numerous coworkers who go "Oh... you can't do this.. or that... how the hell do you expect to get married" .... well gee merry martha can't we go on roller coaster of negativity again? It was a lot of fun!

Probably the worst one I've had was fairly recent. My father. The man who is basically me with male genitalia and as many ex-wives as some people have cars in their driveway. He actually thought he was okay to go and lecture me on marriage. Good try .... I believe his direct line of thinking was like "You know I love you right Serena? I really do. But I honestly can't picture anyone willing to put up with you for the rest of your life".... email format.... no joke. Hey dad? You're as jackass.... but you know I love you right? idiot....  He knows so much of me and how I tick and yet didn't see this as being hurtful. I can't even imagine him being ignorant he was just pretending he didn't know it would cut like a knife (insert old skating song....)

For any of you who are reading this in order to learn from a fibromite about all you can do to help your loved one with a chronic illness...... NEVER NEVER NEVER SAY THIS! Ever! In ANY form! It is not helpful and with probably result in your loved one throwing something scalding or very heavy at your face. Because if you are friends with this person they will then question how hard it is for you for to be their friend... and you'll come up short in comparison deary, never fear. If you are family to this person you are forever going to be blacklisted in personal chats (well... this might actually be helpful to some of you) and they will never speak to you again about things that bother them. And if you are anyone else who was just trying to show that you really understand how badly their life is going to suck, you are indeed a moron and an insensitive cad.


On a brighter note, I've spoken with my grandmother about me probably never marrying and she says if I have kids on my own through a sperm bank or adoption she won't write me out of her will or refuse to speak to me again, she'll just pray for my soul and the soul of any children I have.... definitely more positive than I was thinking.....

And if you are reading this as someone who has a chronic illness please listen very carefully. Anyone who ever says this to you "Oh wow you'll probably never find a husband, have kids etc etc etc" is a complete idiot and knows nothing about your illness. At first I thought this was true but it really isn't at all. I've come to know many people who have fibromyalgia, arthritis, lupus, etc who had a family and then got sick and retained that family or else had the illness and then attained a family. It's definitely hard work and not for the faint of heart but it CAN happen. Just keep searching and if you happen to find a spare guy throw him my way will ya? I could use all the help in that department that I can find. Last date I had constantly asked me if I had my cane just in case, when we'd go out, or ask me if i'd taken my meds like I was supposed to. I almost and I do same ALMOST remembered the guy who said I had too much "baggage" fondly.... it was sad. Guy was nice (not the baggage guy) but there can almost me too much awareness and acceptance of an illness. Good luck fibromites!!!

Sad Ponderings

A friend of mine was talking to me about her relationship problems today at work. Her boyfriend is giving her all these issues etc etc doesn't care about her feelings etc etc and then she said something that stopped me dead in my tracks "It's got to be hard for you considering your past dealings with love and with you being sick and everything to actually hope about a good relationship" Wow.... thank you so much for kicking me in the teeth... that was great.


Thing is... She's right. I can name on one hand with room to spare the amount of "good" relationships that I've seen. My Uncle Joey and his wonderful wife, My youth pastor and his wife, .... and... um.... okay yeah so a LOT of room! And it's not like I don't know amazing men and women. I do. But it still doesn't work out for them. How am I supposed to believe it will work out for me considering all the issues I'm still dealing with.

On a happier note my guinea pig "Megatron" is doing well and "popcorning" around his cage like crazy :p DEFINITELY cool :)

Clumsy and Clueless

The brain fog has been TERRIBLE lately! I can think normally and be absolutely fine and then everything is gone... just... what was I saying again? :p And working at a coffee shop I would love to have some amount of control over my body.... I've scalded myself at least seven times this week. Only good thing about fibromyalgia is sometimes not being able to feel pain or not as much as I should. So when I dumped a coffee all over myself earlier I just yelped and then said "awwwwww shit!" like a million times instead of screaming like a ... well like a girl. Does anyone else have more issues with brain fog and and being clumsy when they push themselves during a flare up? I know someone has to read this blog I keep getting the notifications :p

http://www.back-fibromyalgia-pain.com/fibromyalgia-relief-from-depression/

Self Help

Practicing self help techniques for Fibromyalgia can provide Relief from Depression. You can regain control of your life again, you can learn how to effectively  self-manage fibromyalgia for  relief from depression.  Fibromyalgia patients suffering from depression feel hopeless, yet there are a number of  self help techniques that are extremely helpful and supportive.

Fibromyalgia Relief from Depression, Self Help Techniques

1. Follow a diet low in refined sugars and carbohydrates, and high in fresh vegetables and protein.  Sugars, starches, and caffeine make the patient feel worse when the rebound crash sets in.

2. Exercise daily.  Exercise releases endorphins that make the patient feel good. It is known to boost moods, which improves the  symptoms, an effective fibromyalgia relief from depression.

3. Supplement the diet with fish oil, flaxseed oil, and other food sources high in essential fatty acids.

4. Reduce or eliminate the use of alcohol and drugs.  Alcohol and drugs cause a deeper depression.

5. Get at least 15 minutes of sunshine daily.

6. Get at least 8 hours of sleep a night and go to sleep at a consistent hour.  Ideally sleep shortly after sunset, rising at sunrise.
7. Practice coping techniques like breathing practices, spiritual pursuits, laughing and forgiving.  See Breathing, Yoga, Meditation and Tai Chi for relief from fibromyalgia depression.

8. Don’t hide, go out, talk, seek emotional support from professionals, friends and family.

9. Join a depression support group, if this is difficult there are many online communities and forums available. Contact http://www.depression-forums.com to find support and relief from fibromyalgia depression.

10. Eliminate or reduce unnecessary tasks from the daily schedule.

11. Avoid making long-term commitments or important decisions.

12. Focus on the positive aspects of life.  Studies have shown that negative thinkers are more depressed, stay in a state of depression longer, and are more likely to develop depression again.

13. Do not feel guilty, only assume responsibility for your actions.

14. Practice forgiveness – of yourself and others.

15. Get out of bed in the morning and do something, do not linger and think. Get out, go for a walk, get some fresh air and sunshine.  Meet with a friend. Break the normal routine, it works wonders for depression.  Studies consistently show that activity decreases fibromyalgia depression.

16. Volunteer or do something for somebody else, something that is fulfilling. This gives purpose to life and provides incredible relief from fibromyalgia depression.

Take responsibility for your recovery, only YOU can have the power to recover.  It is your decision to follow the self help techniques for the relief from fibromyalgia depression.  See a physician if necessary, make the necessary fearless lifestyle changes, exercise and move on.

You can do it!  Give your self a boost with the Fibromyalgia Depression help products which help  stabilize the mind moods.