SIlent Killer

For many people who have fibromyalgia depression holds a key spot in their everyday life. In my life I've suffered from depression since I was about twelve years old. When the doctors say that it kills? It does. Every day becomes a struggle under the cloud of depression. I specifically suffer from chronic depression and have since before fibromyalgia make it's first appearance in my life. However, when the pain and sleeping issues started up I became worse and worse until finally I did everything possible to distract myself from my thoughts. On a given day I can be super happy and doing well and then for no apparent reason I'll become so incredibly depressed that I'll actually consider suicide. Does it make sense? No. Would I or Will I kill myself? No. But that doesn't change the feelings.

One thing That I've noticed is that every time I have an episode it lasts about twelve hours unless there is a specific trigger.  Recently I was in a semi relationship with my best friend. He loves me as much as he has ever loved anyone. I love him and almost feel married at heart to him. But through my relationship with him I finally realized what the quote "Sometimes love is not enough" actually means. I have had two major relationships where I felt "married" to the person. Neither one worked out. The high that comes from being in a loving relationship is almost addictive. You want more and more and more until finally.... when the relationship ends you crash and burn much like a Junkie who has been too long without a fix. This is a metaphor for manic depression. Excessive highs and then extreme lows.

I get these all the time. Last few days have been amazing. I was so incredibly happy that people were like "have you met someone?" "are you still sick you look so happy?" "wow girl you are glowing!" And then late last night into today all I've heard is "Are you okay?" "You look really down do you need to talk?" Because it is THAT visible. And the kicker is that people can see the depression but not the chronic pain. And the pain is usually what triggers the episodes. Somestimes it comes from a rough family get together where things go downhill or a potential relationship that has come screeching to a halt. But either way the pain magnifies the depression I already have to an extreme. When you can't get out of bed. When you aren't hungry. I've barely had anything to eat the last few days. I'm not hungry. Now I'm not in danger of starving or anything. I'm doing fine health wise. Hell it's probably helping me detox from sugar and stuff ironically enough. Odd that... that depression would help my fibromyalgia while the stress from the depression hurts the fibromyalgia. :P

The one thing I want you all the understand: Depression will not just go away. If you are in chronic pain you will have this demon stalking you constantly. Be vigilant. If you find yourself slipping into depression episodes take action! Tonight I ate a ton of chocolate and spent time with some church friends. I feel 100x better now. Even just telling a friend that I was having issues helped. Hell I haven't even told my counselor that I"m depressed. She knows somehow though, I read her notes when she left them visible one day. Reading upside down is a life saver. ANYWAY. Take action. I doubt I know anyone who may read this, but if you need to talk send me a message or comment annoymously. I pray every day for people with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression, etc and I"d love to pray for you or help you walk through this. Like I said I've lived with this monster, this demon for eight years now. It may win a few skirmishes but I'm winning the war, thank god! Be safe. Be content. and most of all Know you are loved.