Acceptance?

"I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong"

Have you ever felt like the pain was your life? I was speaking to a friend at my church group tonight about how this has encompassed my life. I try to ignore it and pretend it's not there but then I get sick. I stopped talking meds and don't watch what I eat or what I do for exercise  and then I crash. I'm basically just making myself sicker. And I hate it. I hate not wanting to date because eventually I'll have to tell them I'm sick. And they react one of two ways. Either "OMG..... really? um... welll...." awkward! OR they act like your mother and nurse and smother you thinking you're fragile and breakable.

I just want to be better. I just want to get over it. It's like I'm haunted. I just can't get out of this cage and it's suffocating me. Every time I get prayer I feel nothing. I've had one minor healing and that's it. It's like God is saying no. It hurts. It hurts that he's letting me hurt. I don't know how many of you reading my blog are christians but if you are doesn't it hurt? I get so angry at God. Why'd you give me this illness? this depression? These personality traits from being abused as a child and as a girlfriend WHY???? ANd there's no answer. May never be. And I'm just trying to find the peace to accept that.